Working Late

Modern employment strikes me as odd. You go to work, sit in an office for 5 days, and at the end of the week you get a piece of paper with numbers on it. This piece of paper you then take to a big building and give to a stranger behind a desk. You're informed that this paper is worth something and that it can be used to support life. People even steal similar pieces of paper because it has a supposed value. But the paper itself is worthless. You can't eat it. You can't build a house out of it. (Maybe you can burn it to keep warm.) We never actually see it's value either. We deposit it. It automatically is spent. The lights stay on and we never notice any difference. Most people endure grueling hours of irritation for no other reason. The bartering system of yore made sense. Two chickens for a duck and four apples? Perfectly logical! (Okay, three apples.) But Humorous Hermes, what about the buying power of the dollar? What power? Other people tell you how to spend your money (*cough cough Walmart cough*). Why do you think everyone complains about not buying what they really desire? Score 1 for the barter system.

Not having a firm grasp on the capitalist monetary system has made finding work a challenging task; especially when no one wants to pay you in burritos and Easy Mac. Everyone dreams about glamorous jobs as a child. When I was 5 years old I knew I wanted to be a basketball star. That dream was quenched with the realization that I would never be 8 feet tall (which is the minimal height required by the NBA). So I changed career paths to something more feasible, Jedi master. This ended not because of a lack of skill but because no one was available to teach me. (I hear they all live in a galaxy far far away.) Unfortunately professional nerd is not a paying position. Yet. If anyone is looking for a dweeb who knows a lot of useless information about made up realities, give me a call. Must be able to pay 2 burritos a day.

Anyone know a good tailor?

Everyone is always complaining about their weight. It's an obsession everyone has thanks to advertisements lying to everyone about what normal human beings are meant to look like. Sadly this can have devastating effects on a significant number of people. No matter how drastic the response. It seems like no one is ever happy with their figure. People are always looking for a new miracle diet, because let's face it, tofu is nasty and exercise is a burden. Fat people have free reign of self hating humor. Let me tell you though, skinny people have problems too. Particularly everyone asking what your "secret" is. Your guess is as good as mine. High metabolism? Anywhere I go, whenever food or diet comes up, I'm suddenly the expert on healthy choices. Newsflash! I'm eating the pizza with you. I'm not Jenny Craig.

That's just the icing on the cake. It's even harder to be a tall and skinny fella. Sure you got your tall person problems. Everyone constantly referring to you as the tall one (even if you are one of many in the group). Asking for stuff on high shelves, even if they can reach it. Feet hanging off the mattress. Tall + skinny = whole new set of problems. Specifically clothes. Imagine trying to find stuff in the right size when you look like an overgrown stick bug. Everything is either too short, or too wide. It's a nightmare. I look ridiculous no matter which size I get. The solution: there is none. But hey, at least I don't have to worry about people judging me because I'm fat. I mean there's like nothing you can do about that.

Am I trending yet?

I love the internet! I have spent countless hours surfing the web. I spend hours watching cat videos, looking at memes and perusing social media. Youtube, Buzzfeed, Facebook, you name it. If it wasn't for Google I wouldn't be able to get around outside my own home. Ironically because of Google I may not need to leave my home. I can bring the world to me. Vacation in the Bahamas? Check. Thank you Google Earth. Did you ever notice how much we complain about the coolest thing since Miles Davis? Just a few years ago there was no high speed internet. Don't pick up the phone! Aaaahhhhhh! Dude seriously?! And not too long ago there was no internet. Yet we persist in complaining about how much we dislike it all. I don't care what you had for breakfast. Stop tweeting every minor accomplishment. So you're in a relationship, big deal. I do it too. We pretend like we don't care, when in truth, we can't get enough of it. I certainly can't. I constantly check statuses for any slight chance of an update. And I just got to know which Frozen character I am. What? Sven? I think that's why we all aspire to be web stars. Finally some recognition for our colloquial activity. At least until someone else shows off how cute their kids are.

Just One of Those Faces

I love taking public transit. Aside from sitting in gum and being sandwiched between sweaty, creepy dudes, you do meet all kinds of people. People who talk to you, people who talk to themselves. Loud people. Quiet people. Scary people. People who need to shower. People trying to sell stuff. Needless to say, you run into strangers all the time. And they do some weird stuff. Once a guy was selling bootleg DVDs out of a duffle bag. Usually, I get asked questions. They ask me for the time. I get asked if I know when the bus is coming. Not so abnormal. Most often, and most peculiarly, I get asked for cigarettes. Almost everywhere I go, it happens. People have even asked me for weed. I have no idea why. I guess I just have the appearance of a stoner. Do people just see me and think, "He looks like he lights up regularly,"? The strangest part is that when I tell them "No," they don't ask anyone else. Apparently I am the sole source of smokes for bus patrons.