Working Late

Modern employment strikes me as odd. You go to work, sit in an office for 5 days, and at the end of the week you get a piece of paper with numbers on it. This piece of paper you then take to a big building and give to a stranger behind a desk. You're informed that this paper is worth something and that it can be used to support life. People even steal similar pieces of paper because it has a supposed value. But the paper itself is worthless. You can't eat it. You can't build a house out of it. (Maybe you can burn it to keep warm.) We never actually see it's value either. We deposit it. It automatically is spent. The lights stay on and we never notice any difference. Most people endure grueling hours of irritation for no other reason. The bartering system of yore made sense. Two chickens for a duck and four apples? Perfectly logical! (Okay, three apples.) But Humorous Hermes, what about the buying power of the dollar? What power? Other people tell you how to spend your money (*cough cough Walmart cough*). Why do you think everyone complains about not buying what they really desire? Score 1 for the barter system.

Not having a firm grasp on the capitalist monetary system has made finding work a challenging task; especially when no one wants to pay you in burritos and Easy Mac. Everyone dreams about glamorous jobs as a child. When I was 5 years old I knew I wanted to be a basketball star. That dream was quenched with the realization that I would never be 8 feet tall (which is the minimal height required by the NBA). So I changed career paths to something more feasible, Jedi master. This ended not because of a lack of skill but because no one was available to teach me. (I hear they all live in a galaxy far far away.) Unfortunately professional nerd is not a paying position. Yet. If anyone is looking for a dweeb who knows a lot of useless information about made up realities, give me a call. Must be able to pay 2 burritos a day.

Anyone know a good tailor?

Everyone is always complaining about their weight. It's an obsession everyone has thanks to advertisements lying to everyone about what normal human beings are meant to look like. Sadly this can have devastating effects on a significant number of people. No matter how drastic the response. It seems like no one is ever happy with their figure. People are always looking for a new miracle diet, because let's face it, tofu is nasty and exercise is a burden. Fat people have free reign of self hating humor. Let me tell you though, skinny people have problems too. Particularly everyone asking what your "secret" is. Your guess is as good as mine. High metabolism? Anywhere I go, whenever food or diet comes up, I'm suddenly the expert on healthy choices. Newsflash! I'm eating the pizza with you. I'm not Jenny Craig.

That's just the icing on the cake. It's even harder to be a tall and skinny fella. Sure you got your tall person problems. Everyone constantly referring to you as the tall one (even if you are one of many in the group). Asking for stuff on high shelves, even if they can reach it. Feet hanging off the mattress. Tall + skinny = whole new set of problems. Specifically clothes. Imagine trying to find stuff in the right size when you look like an overgrown stick bug. Everything is either too short, or too wide. It's a nightmare. I look ridiculous no matter which size I get. The solution: there is none. But hey, at least I don't have to worry about people judging me because I'm fat. I mean there's like nothing you can do about that.

Am I trending yet?

I love the internet! I have spent countless hours surfing the web. I spend hours watching cat videos, looking at memes and perusing social media. Youtube, Buzzfeed, Facebook, you name it. If it wasn't for Google I wouldn't be able to get around outside my own home. Ironically because of Google I may not need to leave my home. I can bring the world to me. Vacation in the Bahamas? Check. Thank you Google Earth. Did you ever notice how much we complain about the coolest thing since Miles Davis? Just a few years ago there was no high speed internet. Don't pick up the phone! Aaaahhhhhh! Dude seriously?! And not too long ago there was no internet. Yet we persist in complaining about how much we dislike it all. I don't care what you had for breakfast. Stop tweeting every minor accomplishment. So you're in a relationship, big deal. I do it too. We pretend like we don't care, when in truth, we can't get enough of it. I certainly can't. I constantly check statuses for any slight chance of an update. And I just got to know which Frozen character I am. What? Sven? I think that's why we all aspire to be web stars. Finally some recognition for our colloquial activity. At least until someone else shows off how cute their kids are.

Just One of Those Faces

I love taking public transit. Aside from sitting in gum and being sandwiched between sweaty, creepy dudes, you do meet all kinds of people. People who talk to you, people who talk to themselves. Loud people. Quiet people. Scary people. People who need to shower. People trying to sell stuff. Needless to say, you run into strangers all the time. And they do some weird stuff. Once a guy was selling bootleg DVDs out of a duffle bag. Usually, I get asked questions. They ask me for the time. I get asked if I know when the bus is coming. Not so abnormal. Most often, and most peculiarly, I get asked for cigarettes. Almost everywhere I go, it happens. People have even asked me for weed. I have no idea why. I guess I just have the appearance of a stoner. Do people just see me and think, "He looks like he lights up regularly,"? The strangest part is that when I tell them "No," they don't ask anyone else. Apparently I am the sole source of smokes for bus patrons.

Silence is GOOOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLDEN!!!!!!!!

I go to a lot of movies. I even go by myself sometimes. I like seeing them on the big screen and I almost always buy collector's editions. Have a conversation with me and I will unwittingly throw in a reference or classic quote from some movie. Although I do not consider myself to be a sports fan, I have been to a number of sporting events. That being said there is a big difference between the movies and sports. Most notably is the behavior of attendees. Before anything starts it's quite similar. You're with friends or family. You buy a ticket. You buy overpriced snacks that taste bad. You sit down in your seat and try to take both arm rests before you're left without either. The floor is sticky and gross. And you know you'll be there for the next three hours.

Once things get underway however, movies and sports become polar opposites. The silver screen has a hypnotic power over the audience. The theater is the only place where you can take a random crowd and they will graciously sit still and be quiet for hours. This makes me question the importance of seeing a movie as a group. You're not going to talk to your friends during the movie. You really only want to talk to them after it's over. You could see the movie separately and meet up for dinner later.

Sports on the other hand are completely different. At a game it is guaranteed that a complete stranger will yell in your face. Instead of being quiet, you are encouraged to shout and participate in chants. Day-ay-o! In fact you should make as much of a raucous as possible to demonstrate how committed to your team you are. Nobody wears face paint to see Shrek.

I guess it goes back to the ancient traditions. Movies are modern day opera and sports are modern day gladiators. Order vs. chaos. White collar vs. blue collar. I'm sure it would be inappropriate to bring a spear to see Medea. Don't believe me? Watch the commercials. Movies advertise performances by the Met. Sports: bad beer.

College = Money "Well" Spent

Reminiscing about college, I had a great experience. It is and always will be an excellent highlight of my life. Now I could write about something cliche such as how I found myself in college, or discovered the true value of things. But for you Internet, I want to talk about some more important observations. For example, something I learned early on in college was that girls are magicians. Hear me out. Every girl in every class I ever took did not have a backpack or messenger back for carrying books. No they had a large handbag or purse. Somehow the girl next to me managed to fit every book, notebook, laptop and laptop charger, binder, pen, pencil, eraser, highlighter, stapler, hole punch, etc. in her purse along with everything else that she normally keeps in her purse (wallet, make up, love letters to me). Not only did an extreme amount of stuff fit, it fit neatly, and with extra space. Meanwhile, I'm lugging around a messenger back the size of Santa's toy sack and stuff is stilling falling out. We both have the same supplies (I actually have less), so we should require the same amount of space. Right? Wrong! Logically, I must conclude that the girl next to me cast a spell to enchant her purse allowing it infinite carrying volume.

Another observation I would like to share is about fraternities. They are the quintessential part of the college experience and anyone who did not belong to one seriously missed out on a grand opportunity. Psych! If you belong or belonged to a frat/sorority, stop reading so your feelings aren't hurt. They're great for people who can't make friends. I think I'm capable of socializing without joining Kappa Gamma Psi Alpha Delta Beta Omega Epsilon Theta. It always seemed strange to me, you pay them to be your friends. If these people need monetary incentive to be nice, how friendly can they really be? Just saying. Outside of the sorority/fraternity paying someone for the pleasure of their company can be a criminal offense. I guess that makes sororities and fraternities the pimps of college relations.

8-bit Thief

I grew up playing Nintendo and GameBoy with Super Mario Bros. Super Mario is not my favorite classic video game, but it is really fun and easily the most well known game world wide. Most everyone can recognize the mustached guy in the red hat and his killer theme song. The game is a simple side-scroller. Run, jump, collect coins. Next level, run, jump, collect coins. It seems like all the mobile games are ripping off Super Mario Bros. I've played half a dozen mobile games all based on the same mechanic. Run, jump, collect coins. I wonder if the creator of Super Mario feels like others are stealing his idea. The only thing missing is the catchy theme music. 

Confessions of a stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder.

Internet I must confess that I am hopelessly nerdy. Odds are if it is some cult classic or geeky subculture, I am part of it. Or at the very least, I have heard of it. Now let me clarify for the commoner, on behalf of all my fellow nerds, two important subjects. Numero uno: Yes, there is a difference between Star Wars and Star Trek and Lord of the Rings and Doctor Who and Superman and Batman and every other geekdom. Numero dos: Being a fan of one does not mean I am a fan of the others. I could talk all day about Star Wars or Batman or Tron, but I have never seen an episode of Stargate or Doctor Who and am clueless about which anime is currently popular. So if you know any nerds make sure you ask them about their personal domain. They can get testy if you mix stuff up.

That being said, it is exhausting being a sci fi fan. There's always some new movie or book to read. Otherwise you get left behind and they revoke your official fan club card. (Trust me you don't want to lose it.) Another secret about sci fi and comics is that not only are there numerous characters and stories, but also numerous universes with the same characters. Luckily the internet is full of all this useless information to keep track of all the parallel realities. (Thank you, people who post on Wikis.) Even still it can be tiresome keeping up appearances. Whenever a new movie comes out you're expected to see it, even if you don't really want to see it. And Hollywood knows this. In order to enjoy the one you really want to see, you have to see the other 10 movies in the franchise. Several hours later we try and pass it off like we actually liked the others even though they sucked. It wasn't that bad. It was okay. Anyone else feel me? No? Even if it is garbage and the nerds complain about how it betrays canon, they see it anyways.

Science fiction often has a way of becoming science fact. Where's my hover board Matel? I try and follow whatever the latest tech trend is. (People still use Betamax right?) Cool as the future is going to be though, I am worried about when it moves so fast that I either can't keep up or go broke from buying some new gadget every 10 days. Maybe there's an app for that.

Well this turned out to be the longest post so far. Congrats on reading it all. If you'll excuse me I have to go read the comic that became a cartoon that became a video game that is soon to be a movie.

Because I'm Batman

I enjoy a good super hero story. Comic, movie, T.V., it's all entertaining. As you may have guessed from the title, this post is about the Caped Crusader. What you may not have surmised is that instead of another blogger debating who's the best, this post is about the bat-phone. That's right. The bat-phone. I think it's cool that Batman is the only super hero on speed dial. Superman and Spiderman hear about trouble from their respective newspapers. But for Batman the police turn on one of those lights from movie premieres. Doesn't the light also clue in the bad guy. Hey, just thought you should know. Batman will be over to punch you in the face later tonight.

If the police didn't want villains (or anyone else who looked up) to know about the secret meetings with the Dark Knight, there was always the bat-phone. They had a direct hotline to him and still couldn't figure out his secret identity. If you need more proof that Gotham P.D. are clueless watch the show from the 1960s starring Adam West. There was a bright red phone with a handle shaped like bat wings in both the police station and, not the batcave, Bruce Wayne's study. The bat-phone isn't hidden! Now I'm no super hero, but shouldn't all your super hero stuff be in your secret hideout, not lying in the open. It is unmistakably the bat-phone, in plain sight for all to see. What do you say if someone sees it? Yeah, Batman gave it to me. He likes to chat about his exploits. Says it helps him think more clearly. Like therapy. What? No I'm not Batman.

Well that's enough nerdiness for one post. Until next time.

2 by 2 I guess

Most people are familiar with the story of Noah. He took two of each animal on his ark to save them from the flood. I've always been curious however. What happened to all the dead bodies? In the story Noah and his family, and pairs of animals are saved from the flood. That leaves the rest of humanity and all the other animals to drown. Were they just fodder for the sharks swimming about or did Noah ever see any floaters? And what about after the flood? Did Noah have to spend his weekends burying corpses? Maybe that's what the carnivores ate while the herbivores repopulated. Was it part of the deal? God said, "You can survive, if you clean up the mess." How did he pick which two animals to take? Did he use a lottery or did animals present cases? Well I'm not taking you since you pooped in my yard last Tuesday. There's that cat that scratched me. Forget it Fluffy! The position has been filled.

Olympian in Training

I originally wanted to post this as part of the previous post, but found I had more to say and decided to split the two. Lucky you, two back to back posts.

I have not once been to a gym. I don't lift weights. I don't do treadmills. None of it. Why? It doesn't make sense to me. Why should I pay to exercise? Isn't the exhaustion and fatigue the price I pay for staying in shape? No pain, no gain. Or if you're a gym member, no monthly fee, no pain, no gain. I should clarify that I do pay a small monthly fee to use the university's recreational facility. I do this so that I can play racquetball and basketball on nice courts. I also have access to the climbing wall, aquaplex  and other facilities I never use. Now that the commercial is over, I can say that the majority of the center is dedicated to workout equipment. I walk by these people every time I shoot hoops. There is always someone on every machine doing a simple repetitive task they could easily do without the machine. I can easily walk in place for an hour or walk up the same set of stairs without spending a single cent. My favorite are the guys lifting weights. If they want to do heavy lifting I have some boxes in my garage they could move. I mean, these are the reverse moving guys. Outside of the gym, if I want heavy lifting done, I pay the movers, they don't pay me.

I like to exercise in ways that don't feel like a chore. I do this via sports and other activities. If I'm going to be active, it might as well be entertaining. I don't get the appeal of using a treadmill. If I'm going to be walking I might as well go somewhere. The gym to me is like a place for people to exercise with training wheels. They can't quite do it on their own and still need some help from machines. Personal trainers are like their parents pushing them from behind. Some people get so excited and are so committed to fitness, they have home gyms. They pay thousands of dollars for all the machines they use at a gym, stock their basement or other empty room with this equipment, and then never use it.

Look Ma! No Hands!

Although I am currently in between bicycles at the moment (and have been for some months), I consider myself a cyclist. At least, I am a casual one. I don't compete in any races, I don't have all the nice gear and apparel that shows off my skinny arms. Not to mention my price range spans from "So I hear you're getting rid of your bike," to "What's the best deal on Craigslist?" I enjoy riding though. For two years, cycling was my primary form of transportation. You notice a lot of things that you don't when you drive. You do your part to respect the environment, and you have the pleasure of showing up everywhere drenched in sweat.

Every now and then I run into another cyclist. You wave. They wave. There's a camaraderie present, even though you're strangers. This doesn't work when driving. I tried it. You roll down your window at the stop light and wave. They look at you all of sudden insecure about sharing the road with someone who waves at strangers. Why is that person waving at me? "Do you need directions? Perhaps to the hospital?"

Cyclists are an interesting group of people. We're like the hobbits of the road. We're a minority. Others see us as lowly interferences that make their journeys difficult. We can often pass by unseen by most cars (especially those that don't know what a bike lane is). The difference is that we hide our big hairy feet.

The Power of "R"

As much as Americans adore the English language, it actually is the hardest to learn as a second language. Fortunately the rest of the world is willing to learn it since most Americans won't bother to learn another language. "But what makes English so difficult Humorous Hermes?" you might ask. Well for starters "I before E accept after whenever you feel like it." The so called rules rarely apply. It doesn't help that English is a hodgepodge of words from other languages either. For a long time writers have made jest at why English plainly sucks. They mainly poke fun of words spelled the same but that sound different, also known as homonyms. (For more click here).

What grabs my attention about English is the letter 'R'. It's so powerful the Russians have a backwards one. Don't think it's impressive? Consider this. R can change fiends into friends. One letter not only changes the sound of the word but also the entire meaning. And this isn't the only time. R also changes though into through. For some reason R changes the sound of the vowel. That's why I say route (rute) instead of route (rowt), because without R it's out. The R changes the sound. Somebody should do something about these renegade R's that are going around changing stuff.

Words to Laugh By

For the last year and a half I have been compiling thoughts in a note on my tablet. Some have made their way on to Facebook, but most have remained in short hand in the same file. I knew I wanted to express these stray thoughts in some form, but wasn't sure how. I didn't want to do a blog because no one reads blogs. I had to do something soon though because I reviewed the file and found I couldn't remember what the notes meant. I decided that a blog, though not my preferred medium, would, in fact, be the most effective way to ramble. So for the last 5 weeks I've been telling myself I would start it, and now I finally am.

The thoughts I had been keeping track of were sarcastic comments I wanted to remember in case the opportunity ever arose. But, sarcasm is only funny in the moment and can't be forced into a conversation. It must flow naturally. On the Internet though, I can write what I want because, who cares? right? I'm not sure what to call the posts to follow. Bits? Jokes? Wasted time? I don't know what to expect of this blog (certainly not world wide recognition). I do know that I want to share the funnier side of life, which is easier to do if I can just write the story.

If you know me, you know I cannot make it through any conversation without being sarcastic or joke in some way. Let's face it. Life is hilarious. Studies show that optimists live longer, so consider this medicine. I don't like dwelling on negatives but rather endure to change them. Humor is vital to a good life and comes in many forms. I know this hasn't been a funny post thus far, but I wanted to give a forerunner of what's to come. Hopefully on this blog I will have gotten through all my notes. The stories to follow make me laugh and if I'm lucky, you'll laugh too. I can't promise the posts will be regular. Some will be short. Some will be long. I'll write when I can (it took me half an hour just to set up this stupid page). Stay tuned. Same bat time. Same bat channel.