Working Late

Modern employment strikes me as odd. You go to work, sit in an office for 5 days, and at the end of the week you get a piece of paper with numbers on it. This piece of paper you then take to a big building and give to a stranger behind a desk. You're informed that this paper is worth something and that it can be used to support life. People even steal similar pieces of paper because it has a supposed value. But the paper itself is worthless. You can't eat it. You can't build a house out of it. (Maybe you can burn it to keep warm.) We never actually see it's value either. We deposit it. It automatically is spent. The lights stay on and we never notice any difference. Most people endure grueling hours of irritation for no other reason. The bartering system of yore made sense. Two chickens for a duck and four apples? Perfectly logical! (Okay, three apples.) But Humorous Hermes, what about the buying power of the dollar? What power? Other people tell you how to spend your money (*cough cough Walmart cough*). Why do you think everyone complains about not buying what they really desire? Score 1 for the barter system.

Not having a firm grasp on the capitalist monetary system has made finding work a challenging task; especially when no one wants to pay you in burritos and Easy Mac. Everyone dreams about glamorous jobs as a child. When I was 5 years old I knew I wanted to be a basketball star. That dream was quenched with the realization that I would never be 8 feet tall (which is the minimal height required by the NBA). So I changed career paths to something more feasible, Jedi master. This ended not because of a lack of skill but because no one was available to teach me. (I hear they all live in a galaxy far far away.) Unfortunately professional nerd is not a paying position. Yet. If anyone is looking for a dweeb who knows a lot of useless information about made up realities, give me a call. Must be able to pay 2 burritos a day.

Anyone know a good tailor?

Everyone is always complaining about their weight. It's an obsession everyone has thanks to advertisements lying to everyone about what normal human beings are meant to look like. Sadly this can have devastating effects on a significant number of people. No matter how drastic the response. It seems like no one is ever happy with their figure. People are always looking for a new miracle diet, because let's face it, tofu is nasty and exercise is a burden. Fat people have free reign of self hating humor. Let me tell you though, skinny people have problems too. Particularly everyone asking what your "secret" is. Your guess is as good as mine. High metabolism? Anywhere I go, whenever food or diet comes up, I'm suddenly the expert on healthy choices. Newsflash! I'm eating the pizza with you. I'm not Jenny Craig.

That's just the icing on the cake. It's even harder to be a tall and skinny fella. Sure you got your tall person problems. Everyone constantly referring to you as the tall one (even if you are one of many in the group). Asking for stuff on high shelves, even if they can reach it. Feet hanging off the mattress. Tall + skinny = whole new set of problems. Specifically clothes. Imagine trying to find stuff in the right size when you look like an overgrown stick bug. Everything is either too short, or too wide. It's a nightmare. I look ridiculous no matter which size I get. The solution: there is none. But hey, at least I don't have to worry about people judging me because I'm fat. I mean there's like nothing you can do about that.

Am I trending yet?

I love the internet! I have spent countless hours surfing the web. I spend hours watching cat videos, looking at memes and perusing social media. Youtube, Buzzfeed, Facebook, you name it. If it wasn't for Google I wouldn't be able to get around outside my own home. Ironically because of Google I may not need to leave my home. I can bring the world to me. Vacation in the Bahamas? Check. Thank you Google Earth. Did you ever notice how much we complain about the coolest thing since Miles Davis? Just a few years ago there was no high speed internet. Don't pick up the phone! Aaaahhhhhh! Dude seriously?! And not too long ago there was no internet. Yet we persist in complaining about how much we dislike it all. I don't care what you had for breakfast. Stop tweeting every minor accomplishment. So you're in a relationship, big deal. I do it too. We pretend like we don't care, when in truth, we can't get enough of it. I certainly can't. I constantly check statuses for any slight chance of an update. And I just got to know which Frozen character I am. What? Sven? I think that's why we all aspire to be web stars. Finally some recognition for our colloquial activity. At least until someone else shows off how cute their kids are.

Just One of Those Faces

I love taking public transit. Aside from sitting in gum and being sandwiched between sweaty, creepy dudes, you do meet all kinds of people. People who talk to you, people who talk to themselves. Loud people. Quiet people. Scary people. People who need to shower. People trying to sell stuff. Needless to say, you run into strangers all the time. And they do some weird stuff. Once a guy was selling bootleg DVDs out of a duffle bag. Usually, I get asked questions. They ask me for the time. I get asked if I know when the bus is coming. Not so abnormal. Most often, and most peculiarly, I get asked for cigarettes. Almost everywhere I go, it happens. People have even asked me for weed. I have no idea why. I guess I just have the appearance of a stoner. Do people just see me and think, "He looks like he lights up regularly,"? The strangest part is that when I tell them "No," they don't ask anyone else. Apparently I am the sole source of smokes for bus patrons.

Silence is GOOOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLDEN!!!!!!!!

I go to a lot of movies. I even go by myself sometimes. I like seeing them on the big screen and I almost always buy collector's editions. Have a conversation with me and I will unwittingly throw in a reference or classic quote from some movie. Although I do not consider myself to be a sports fan, I have been to a number of sporting events. That being said there is a big difference between the movies and sports. Most notably is the behavior of attendees. Before anything starts it's quite similar. You're with friends or family. You buy a ticket. You buy overpriced snacks that taste bad. You sit down in your seat and try to take both arm rests before you're left without either. The floor is sticky and gross. And you know you'll be there for the next three hours.

Once things get underway however, movies and sports become polar opposites. The silver screen has a hypnotic power over the audience. The theater is the only place where you can take a random crowd and they will graciously sit still and be quiet for hours. This makes me question the importance of seeing a movie as a group. You're not going to talk to your friends during the movie. You really only want to talk to them after it's over. You could see the movie separately and meet up for dinner later.

Sports on the other hand are completely different. At a game it is guaranteed that a complete stranger will yell in your face. Instead of being quiet, you are encouraged to shout and participate in chants. Day-ay-o! In fact you should make as much of a raucous as possible to demonstrate how committed to your team you are. Nobody wears face paint to see Shrek.

I guess it goes back to the ancient traditions. Movies are modern day opera and sports are modern day gladiators. Order vs. chaos. White collar vs. blue collar. I'm sure it would be inappropriate to bring a spear to see Medea. Don't believe me? Watch the commercials. Movies advertise performances by the Met. Sports: bad beer.

College = Money "Well" Spent

Reminiscing about college, I had a great experience. It is and always will be an excellent highlight of my life. Now I could write about something cliche such as how I found myself in college, or discovered the true value of things. But for you Internet, I want to talk about some more important observations. For example, something I learned early on in college was that girls are magicians. Hear me out. Every girl in every class I ever took did not have a backpack or messenger back for carrying books. No they had a large handbag or purse. Somehow the girl next to me managed to fit every book, notebook, laptop and laptop charger, binder, pen, pencil, eraser, highlighter, stapler, hole punch, etc. in her purse along with everything else that she normally keeps in her purse (wallet, make up, love letters to me). Not only did an extreme amount of stuff fit, it fit neatly, and with extra space. Meanwhile, I'm lugging around a messenger back the size of Santa's toy sack and stuff is stilling falling out. We both have the same supplies (I actually have less), so we should require the same amount of space. Right? Wrong! Logically, I must conclude that the girl next to me cast a spell to enchant her purse allowing it infinite carrying volume.

Another observation I would like to share is about fraternities. They are the quintessential part of the college experience and anyone who did not belong to one seriously missed out on a grand opportunity. Psych! If you belong or belonged to a frat/sorority, stop reading so your feelings aren't hurt. They're great for people who can't make friends. I think I'm capable of socializing without joining Kappa Gamma Psi Alpha Delta Beta Omega Epsilon Theta. It always seemed strange to me, you pay them to be your friends. If these people need monetary incentive to be nice, how friendly can they really be? Just saying. Outside of the sorority/fraternity paying someone for the pleasure of their company can be a criminal offense. I guess that makes sororities and fraternities the pimps of college relations.

8-bit Thief

I grew up playing Nintendo and GameBoy with Super Mario Bros. Super Mario is not my favorite classic video game, but it is really fun and easily the most well known game world wide. Most everyone can recognize the mustached guy in the red hat and his killer theme song. The game is a simple side-scroller. Run, jump, collect coins. Next level, run, jump, collect coins. It seems like all the mobile games are ripping off Super Mario Bros. I've played half a dozen mobile games all based on the same mechanic. Run, jump, collect coins. I wonder if the creator of Super Mario feels like others are stealing his idea. The only thing missing is the catchy theme music.